New Widower in Love
My wife succumbed to cancer last year after a long battle of almost 3 years. During her illness, our family employed a foreign live-in nurse to help care for my wife. The nurse was truly a god-sent as she demonstrated not only great skills, but also showed genuine care and love for my late wife. As her employment with our family will soon be coming to an end, I have come to realize that I have grown to have strong feelings for this woman and I know I would not want to see her go. I am 63 years old and I don’t know if it is appropriate to still fall in love at this age, and I can only imagine how my grown-up children will take this news if I were to confess my feelings for her. Am I crazy to be feeling this way? Should I take this relationship any further if the woman reciprocates my feelings?
There are two main issues here. First, is it appropriate to fall in love again at 63? Whether I am too old for love at this age? Should I abandon this idea of falling in love now that my wife is deceased and live alone for the rest of my life in mourning? Or should I seize the opportunity for a second chance at love by expressing my feelings to this woman if she resonates with that and expresses the same? Second, I have adult children and wonder how they will accept it if I say I have developed feelings for this foreign live-in nurse who nursed their mother with great love and care. Would it sound odd as they have just lost their mother who had a three-year journey of battling with cancer and perhaps they may have yet come to terms with her death? How would they take it? First things first. It's a myth to believe that love only happens once in a lifetime; that you must fall in love when young otherwise you will miss the boat. Is there an age limit or an expiration date or a universally agreed-upon age when a man is considered old when it concerns feelings of love? You needn't worry about that if that is in the forefront of your mind. Believe me, the desire for intimate love never dies. Is there a certain age to start a love relationship or to express feelings of love since time in memorial? Absolutely not! In fact, it is getting more and more common these days to be dating and courting and falling in love in senior years. Older people are looking for companionship and intimacy which contribute to a lot of health benefits and happiness in later life. Loneliness in your senior years can stress you and kill you. Doing things together and aging together can bring about more joy than being alone. On the next important aspect of making this foreign live-in nurse your partner. Your children have just lost their mother and now they will have to get adjusted to this stranger living with them and being your spouse all too soon. They might even wonder how you could so quickly forget their mother and love another woman. Definitely, this is not going to be easy. Remember they have lost their mother who had been suffering for three years! These children may feel threatened by a new spouse taking the place of their mother. They might even feel that with a new person in your life, your love for them will lessen as your attention will now focus on her. Family dynamics will become different too. While she was caring and loving to your late wife as an employee and you developed feelings for her, your children might not see it from this angle. They might have considered her just as an employee paid to do a job. They might not have seen her goodness and kindness and other skills which you have observed over the three years she was in your employment. This is where your communication with your adult children comes in. You have to break this news about your feelings in a gentle reassuring way at the most opportune moment. First talk to your children about how she had nursed their mother for three long years during her difficult moments. Share with them your observation of her rare qualities that you find exemplary and that you feel she will be an asset to the family and to you as you are aging. Tell them it's hard to find a person like her and it will be a pity if you let her go; that you want to make the right decision by telling them how you feel and would like to know what they think. That their voice matters. Let them know her coming into the family will not affect your feelings towards them nor your closeness with them. Also her being there will take away some of the anxieties they will have about your health and happiness as there will be somebody to share your later years with. She could help take care of you and they could carry on with their lives without worrying too much about you. Share with them that you would like their approval too even though you know what you are doing. You are able to see through this decision you are making and you have considered all aspects of expressing your feelings towards her which you haven't as yet, as you wanted to share with them first. Tell them it is not going to be easy for you alone without their mother as you need a companion so that they can carry on with their lives without you being a burden to them. Having spoken to the children, you can then go ahead and gently express your feelings to her and hopefully she sees love all round from these children and decides to stay on and be part of the family.